SPEAKER_00 0:00

And I want to talk about our girl Martha, okay? Because she kind of gets a bad rap a little bit. I have a special place in my heart for Martha. I think because we identify as yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Hey friends, welcome to today's episode of Team Not Tired. We're so glad you're on the team. This is Ashley Earwood. And I'm Shereen Crawford. And today, Shireen's gonna be talking to us about the invisible load that so many of us carry as women.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Yeah, and I love that we're talking about this because I had no idea this existed until I became a mom. And I think it's easier when you're, you know, you're married. It's just you and your husband, or you're a single girl, and you're like, I have nobody else to take care of except for me, you know, and and fast forward, you know, we have a beautiful adoption story, and you know, you go to college, you hear things, you research things, but until you're in it, yeah. There's no better teacher than life. Life got me. And so I just remember bringing, and again, our our story of how we became a family is very different. And so we got two kids at one time.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Surprise. And they're not twins, and they're not twins, exactly. They're they're biosisters, and we brought them home the same time, and it was it happened suddenly, and so we're bringing them home. I'm still working because that's just what I do, because that's just kind of how it happened, and so life is still happening, we're bringing these girls home, and then it's bedtime, and I'm sitting on the couch, and I'm thinking of all the things I still have to do. And I'm so exhausted, but I had no no idea. Like, I've never been to that extreme of tired of just that mental capacity, like literally, I I can't even really articulate it other than my brain just felt like mush.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

And I felt not myself. And again, it's not like I was postpartum or any of those things. I was just overwhelmed and overcome with having a job that I was working and traveling at that time a lot.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

And working at a senior level, coming home, doing the mom things, and and at the same time, we're trying to bond and and all of those things. And I just remember sitting on the couch thinking, like, oh my gosh, what have I done? Like, what what happened? And just thinking to myself, I'm terrible at time management. This is I'm not myself, I'm not like the quote unquote old sharing. But I just came to myself of like, I'm not bad at time management, but I have this invisible load in my head that I just really needed to get out of it. And time is one of those resources that you can't get back. And as a parent and as a woman, we do carry that invisible load, that mental load that, you know, not to say that men don't, but our brain, I've heard this example of our brain is like spaghetti. Everything's entangled, everything's touching everything, everything is a heightened, you know, when you're especially when you're tired and you're in this heightened mode, that you're just like, oh, it allows you, it allows us.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

That's why women I think spiral a lot quicker because we see everything as interconnected. Yeah. Whereas men are better just sign, you know, biologically even better at compartmentalizing and thinking through one thing at a time. Right. When you say invisible load, I I know what you mean, and I know what we've we talk about the mental load. But for somebody who hasn't heard that terminology before, what exactly do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00 4:29

I I always heard it of as like the the second job in your head of like it's that running list of things in your mind that you are holding to to hold for the family, to hold for your work, to hold in your mind of just like all the things that you have to do or that need to happen. And I think that is the invisible load, the mental load that women in particular carry. Because you're right, men have like the brain of like a waffle, like it's like a compartment. It's like, this is my box for this. This is my box for this. And there are times where I'll joke with my husband and be like, Are you in your nothing box? Like, like, how do you do that? How do you have a nothing box? And he's like, I don't know how you don't have a nothing box. And so that's really what I'm I'm talking about is that mental load of your brain just doesn't stop because we are wired to nurture and care for whoever's in our proximity. And that can be really overwhelming. And I just want to give us language and power to name that this is an invisible load that we all collectively share as women, especially if you're a working parent or if you're just a parent in general. Like you don't have to feel so tired and so ashamed of yourself that I can't seem to manage my time because there's so much going on, especially if you're one of those people that wake up and you're like, I'm already tired. The day hasn't even started.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

And I think, I think on the flip side, you know, we're talking about it in a negative sense, but really when you carry things like that, it is a reflection of care and ownership.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

Like on one hand, you go, this is a really great thing that people trust me with responsibility, that I have people in my life to care for, that I want to care for people, I want to be productive, I have things in my life that I want to take ownership and accountability for. Like all of those are good things. But when we start to be overwhelmed, right, then what do we do? How did you kind of get off the couch, so to speak, you know, from that moment and learn to not live just in a constant state of overwhelm?

SPEAKER_00 7:05

And I love that you you're kind of flipping it on because I had a negative experience, and and you're right, I had to get off the couch because there's little ones waiting for me. There's a job that needs to get done, or I have to get up and go to work. And so I think this is when when my capacity grew. And I I would like to believe and I know that I have a big capacity. But and I've said this before, is I had to get my reps in of like, I can't get off the couch and I gotta figure this out. And so there's a whole bunch of different ways that I did this, but I want to bring us back to the Bible a little bit. I have a special place in my heart for Martha. I think because we identify as yes, like I see you, girl. I yes, I I I get her to a certain degree, and and we see this unfold in Luke 10, right? Where she she is busy doing good things, right? She wasn't sinful, she she was exercising her gift of hospitality, yeah. And I mean, as a Middle Eastern girly to one girly, I get that we are hospitable people, and so she was just overextended and she was distracted by serving. And I love what Jesus says is Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. That one thing was to sit at his feet because that was a new season of my life that I've never been there before. I was kind of like pioneering for my for myself and what that looks like for me as a mother and a working mom. And the our listeners might be in a new season too, of like, oh, I just took this new job and I'm a little scared, or I'm going off to college, and I now have like a school semester workload. And how do I take what's in my brain of this invisible load and and kind of cast our cares to Jesus? And I love what he does is he doesn't shame her. And so I want to remind us like, don't be shaming yourself, but he redirects her attention. And I think that is when we can start running at a sustainable pace. That's really good. Because, and I I feel like I say this in in the Crawford House with my girls of you're focused on the wrong thing. You're focused on the wrong thing. And sometimes it comes with a little bit more attitude. But I want to give us, I want to give us practical tools to take this back, right? To metaphorically get off the couch or get out of this paralyzed status of like, oh, I don't know, or to grow your capacity. And here are some like really practical things that I think are super, super helpful. And it's not, it's not rocket science, but I think the first thing that I would tell anybody who is carrying a mental load is put a timer on for 10 minutes and just brain dump everything. Everything. And I love to do this. Yeah, I I have a whiteboard, I whiteboard, I have like notes everywhere, and I'll just get it out of my brain. And it doesn't have to look pretty. Like that's not the time to organize it.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Just get it out of your brain. That's not the time to get all your colored highlighters and corresponding sticky notes and your journal and correct. Just get it out.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Just get it out of your brain, put it on a piece of paper or whiteboard or whatever. And then once that timer hits, and you might need more than 10 minutes because you are carrying a bigger load, what however you work it, I think that you can construct it to yourself. But get it out of your brain, put it on paper so you can visibly see it. And then once that's over, I want you to circle what only you can do. Because I think that's really important because we carry this mental load thinking, I have to do all of these things. Like Martha, she's like, I gotta make sandwich, I gotta make a hummus, I gotta make falafel. Like, we got things to do, and you know, Mary's over there just chilling with Jesus. Instead, like, let's like brain dump it all and figure out what's the one important thing. What's the one thing? Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

That's so true, Trine, because I think a lot of uh I hear a lot of women when they're overwhelmed, they say this similar phrase of like, well, if I don't do it, it won't get done. Right. Or if I don't do it, nobody else will. Right. And I think I mean I've said it so many times. Guilty. But I think the reality is, is some things don't have to get done.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

And I I love and we're gonna talk about that. Okay. One of those one of the like tips I want to give us, and and I will say this is the other one is ownership is greater than help. And what I mean by that is giving language back of instead of saying, I need your help with, I need you to own this from beginning to end and give give it back because now you've visibly seen it, now you can name it, right? Because we can't name something we we don't see or we don't visually see, and so I think that is one of the big things is like ownership is is far greater than help. And what I mean by that, and that I do this at work, is like that's a great idea. Someone will bring me something and expect me to fix it, right? And I get interrupted all day with this, and so I politely send it right back to them that's a great idea. Why don't you own that from beginning to end? And I do this with my kids too. Mom, can you make me this? I can teach you how to do that. Right. You need to be able to own this so that you can make yourself whatever it is or get it from the kitchen because my kids are old enough now that I can give ownership back because there's a big difference between ownership and help.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

As a pastor at the church, there are so many people who will come to any of our leadership team at any point and go, Oh, we should be doing this as a church. We should start this ministry. We need to have this group or this class or what have you. And so many times we're, I mean, we're already stretched to our capacity. And so many times we will turn the tables and go, that's a great idea. Why don't you start that? Start that group in your home. Like the Lord has put that idea and desire and passion in you for a reason, not for me to carry out on your behalf. He hasn't spoken to me about that. Right. And so just like you're relating it to your home or to your workplace with employees, I think the same is true of our ministry calls and what God's called us to do is just because he gave you the idea doesn't mean that you then hand it off or ask someone else to fulfill it. It's sometimes it's it's your job to fulfill it.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Correct. And I think that's why giving the language of this is ownership. Like you're gonna own this from beginning to end, or that's a great idea, go ahead and run with it. And that's typically the difference between help. Like, I need you to help me do the laundry. And sometimes that doesn't get done, right? And so I think there's a big difference between ownership and help. And I think you mentioned this earlier of like, this is the other thing that I would say is it is a helpful tool, is when you have your list, right? You've brain dumped, you can name it, you can give now ownership. Now I want you to figure out what is a must-do and what is a could do. Because there's a big difference, and there's a big difference of like sh only Shereen Crawford could do this, right? But maybe Blake Crawford could do this. And it's maybe something that I would like to do. I could do this, but given all these other priorities, because I'm trying to prioritize what only I can do, which we'll talk about in our next episode, is delegation. But I think there's a big difference between like what can only I do and what needs to be done, what must be done by only me.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

Yeah. And there's a there's a big difference in a big difference, and we can fill our days with a lot of you know, could do's and should do's rather than must-dos. I do that where every every Sunday night I brain dump I love it onto my agenda for the week because I start to get stressed on Sunday nights thinking about all the things. Yeah, all the things that need to be done. And so I get it out so I can relax and go to sleep and kind of know my my week is set and what's coming. But then every morning when I get to the office, I'll take out a sticky note and I'll brain dump kind of the must-do's, like you said, for the day to go, these are the most important priorities. So before I get sucked into other things, right, I I have to make sure that maybe these three or four things get done by me today.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Yeah. And I I love keeping my list to the top three because my list never really gets done, right? They just get it's like reprioritizes. And so I think sticking to three things because you're also your nervous system just can't handle the mental load when you visually see it and you're like, oh my gosh, that's a lot, and only I can do these things. Cause sometimes you you're a pastor actually, like, there's only certain things that you can do versus what you must do. And so I I would love to just keep it a really tight list. And I would just lastly ask you what is the one necessary thing right now, kind of like that Martha moment. What is that one thing that only you can do, or what's your priority? Because I think that is another thing too, is like we get so many things that take us off mission. Yes. And not everything that comes our way is good or from God that He wants us to do. And so I think we've talked about this before pause, pray. But is this the one thing? Like that Mary, that Martha moment of is this that one thing?

SPEAKER_01 18:30

That's really good, Sharine. This is so practical, and I think for for anyone who is new to this conversation, I think this is a lot for us to sit with. I think it's a lot for us to kind of evaluate, but I think you've given everybody really good language today to hopefully well, first remove some shame. Yeah. I think so many women feel shame from being overwhelmed and feeling like they're just constantly failing because we have this ongoing mental to-do list that never gets done. And so we all we kind of beat ourselves up for feeling like we're not being productive or accomplished or good enough, all of those things. And so, first, I would just encourage anybody listening who's in that place today, just understand that that's really a lie from the enemy. And we're just gonna pray that the Lord would remove that shame that you're feeling right now, in the name of Jesus, that you would understand that there are tools, that there is greater capacity, there is greater discipline when we fix our focus and we can name and name some things. And so I hope that that through Shireen's encouragement today that you can name some of these invisible loads, these mental loads that you're carrying today, but also that these tools you would put into practice so that you can lighten your load. Because we are here at Team Not Tired, wanting you to run your race with the grace that God gives us, but at a sustainable pace and not always feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, whether that be physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Absolutely. And I think how much better we could be if we listen to Jesus and He teaches us that that one necessary thing, that we can have wisdom to name that load, courage to share it and just grace to live a little bit more lightly.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

That's so good. Well, thanks for sharing today, Shireen. We're gonna actually lead into a part two where Shireen's gonna talk through how delegation is actually discipleship, and she's gonna give us some even greater tools as to how to share and kind of verbalize this invisible load that we carry. So I want to thank you for tuning in today. Share this with a friend if it has been meaningful to you. We would love for more and more people to join the team. We'll see you next time.